Sex Bloopers

Before your eyeballs pop out, let me rephrase this. Sex Bloopers that I’ve heard of from friends. And since it is always funner to have a laugh at someone else’s expense, here’s to all of them who’ve been there, done it, and wished they hadn’t. And if you’re one of those sorry asses (pun unintended) mentioned here, don’t fret. No names mentioned. I have a heart after all.

6. The damn zip. And belt. Now this one, I’ve been told by a lot of people. He wants to do it. She wants to do it. And they want to do it fast. But, they’re both wearing jazzy designer denims. And belts tied really really tight. Which take waaaaaay too much time to undo, unbuckle and unzip.

Result? Flagging… spirits of course… what did you think? Perverts! That’s why I say designer wear never gets you anywhere.

5. They were on an abnormally high single bed pushed up against the wall and were mostly rolling about in a sad imitation of a Hollywood flick, when the most un-filmi thing happened. One misjudged turn and Jack fell down (didn’t break his crown – thank God!), but Jill did come rolling after.

Talk about rollicking times!

4. Now this is a case of The First Time and the couple, being a set of enthu cutlets, was trying too many positions in one session. A lot of entangling of legs happened, and after all the pushing and pulling, the two found after much experimentation that sometimes, it’s best to keep it simple.

Too much josh and too little skill isn’t always healthy you see.

3. They were moving fast from first base to second and things were only getting hotter. Then, the girl farted. A dry, non-smelly one, but a fart nonetheless. The friend however wasn’t repelled or turned off, instead, he was really impressed with the way she handled the situation.

What did she do? She Laughed Out Loud.

2. Sloppy kissing. Now this one even I can vouch for. There are the kissers. Then there are the French kissers. So far so good. Then, come the sharks, whose sole purpose in life seems to want to..

a) drown you in their saliva
b) chomp on everything that comes in their way: lips, chin, nose… teeth.
c) be a pain in the neck, literally.
d) muck up your hair, as if they’re searching for shrimps.

Moral of the story: Don’t even think about going second base with these buggers, coz hickeys are certainly not their cup of tea.

And finally, (enter at your own risk)…

1. Man wants to be macho. So he lifts woman up, and with her legs wrapped around him, takes her to the kitchen. Pleased with the do so far, he decides to take his machismo up a few notches and thinks to himself, “I’ll ‘have’ her on the kitchen counter.” Silly silly macho man, who doesn’t account for the pots and pans. Up he pushes her, and bam! She hits her head on a wok… and passes out.

Reality check: Mills and Boons (acts) are best left to the books.

You got something to share (of course I’m referring to your "friends" stories)? Let’s spread the love (and all the effort it takes) around!